BROKEN TV: Fill R Up With Oldies!
by Bill Knell
Broadcast TV will always be watched (at least maybe the daytime dramas a.k.a. soaps), but by how many? Their facing tough competition from cable, streaming and gaming. I can relate to gamers because I played in many hot games of Monopoly which would sometimes last a couple of hours. I always kept a ‘Get Out Of Jail Free' card in my pocket just in case. No, it wasn't cheating; just strategic planning. OK, I also bought Atari, Nintendo, Gameboy, Play Station and others.
The major broadcast TV networks must be out of ideas, or hope to use past successes to attract present audiences. In recent years they rebooted ‘The Equalizer' and ‘Matlock’. Both had female leads and did well in the ratings. Not so much for the short-lived ‘Charlie’s Angels' reboot. Being the generous soul that I am, I have brainstormed their reboot situations and have a few solid suggestions.
The top rated show in 1970 was ‘Marcus Welby, M.D.' It was about a family doctor who made house calls. The series often dealt with controversial topics that other medical shows ignored. I was thinking of a series called ‘Miley Welby, P.A.' starring Miley Cyrus. She a good actress and I'm sure Miley knows a lot about medicine. I suggested P.A. because it seems like Physicians Assistants do most of the Doctor stuff these days. Some Docs spend three minutes with you and write a script. Not mine! He spends five.
The key to attracting new viewers is to stay current. In the 60s there was a ridiculous, but popular TV show called ‘My Mother The Car' about A man who finds his mother reincarnated as the family car. The obvious reboot would be ‘My Mother The Electric Car'.
If they rebooted the dramatic action series ‘The Man From U.N.C.L.E.' (United Command for Law Enforcement), it could be called ‘The Girl From A.U.N.T.' (Amsterdam United Network against Terrorists). It would be about a girl from the Amsterdam red light district who finds out that terrorists killed her parents. She organizes others in her trade and, funded by a multi-millionaire she met, they travel thr world finding, luring and eliminating terrorists. No extra charge for the elimination.
The TV series ‘Gunsmoke’ lasted for an amazing twenty seasons and remains popular today in syndication. The show takes place in the Old West. “Marshal Matt Dillon (then-newcomer James Arness) tries to prevent lawlessness from overtaking Dodge City, Kansas.” (Google) Arness also played the Alien in ‘The Thing From Outer Space' and his brother, Peter Graves, headed up the ‘Mission Impossible' team in that show. A reboot could be ‘Pot Smoke: Mission Inhaling'. An elite group of feds roam the Western States facing off with illegal Marijuana growers and Cartel importers trying to make America high again.
'The Brady Bunch' could be resurrected as 'The Tom Brady Bunch' a series that has Tom Brady, his family and friends trying to make Pickleball a group sport. They enlist the help of six teenagers who excel at the game; three brothers and three sisters. They all buy an old stadium and try to restore it for the games. Once ready, they convince ‘The Rolling Stones' to play at the reopening in exchange for electric wheelchairs.
Next up, we take on a “Leave It To Beaver' reboot. The original show was built around a 1950s family trying to live the American Dream. Mom, dad and an older brother try to keep the young Beaver out of mischief and help him grow up. A reboot could be ‘Leave It To Vaquita'. A gay couple adopt a ten year old boy they name after the Vaquita Porpoise that's considered to be the world's rsrest animal (just ten left). Together, the California based trio face off against Bigelow Fama, an evil scientist trying to capture the animals to create a youth restoring drug from their skin.
Finally, and I saved the best for last, they could reboot ‘The Andy Griffith Show' as ‘Mayberry 911: The Kathy Griffin Show'. Kathy would star as Kathy Taylor-Gomez, a progressive, small town California Sheriff trying to keep the peace in a place flooded with migrants and evil Cartel drug smugglers like Carlos Cocaine. She lives with her Aunt Kimmy, a stauch conservative, always butting heads with her, played by Kim Kardashian. Kimmy keeps finding nasty political satire against conservative politicians by Kathy online. The Sheriff's sometimes annoying deputy, Bernie Fyffe is played by Bernie Sanders.
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