Obsessed and Insatiable People: Not Good Candidates For A Stable Relationship
Obsessed and Insatiable People: Not Good Candidates For A Stable Relationship
by Bill Knell
We've all seen it or experienced it. A friend, partner or lover suddenly drops you like a hot potato. In most cases it's because they have found a new person (or group of people) or grown tired of their former relationship. If they're honest, they will tell you in person, by text or email. That can really sting, but it's much worse when done dishonesty. For example, you come home one day and find all their stuff (and maybe some of yours) is gone without notice, except for maybe a short letter or note of explanation. Others will callously move out, without prior notice, right in front of you with the help of their new person or people.
In other cases they may chicken out by having someone you both know tell you after the fact. They'll often request that you not contact them at all. This can be frustrating and infuriating, but it's wise to honor their request. Why? Because people going through this are usually operating on pure emotion, leaving common sense in their wake. It's unlikely that your ex will understand or care about any argument you make because they have already moved on to some new obsession. Words and actions cannot compete with obsessions, and begging is a non-starter.
Years ago a celebrity model married a musician. Nothing new there. After she grew tired of him and met a new guy, she moved on. Her statement about the change was
simple. The model said that she had finally met her soulmate. Maybe not, because that was several marriages ago.
Worst of all are the cheaters who want to have their cake and eat it too. They love the emotional, financial and public persona that comes with a stable relationship. Yet they feel drawn to someone that they can't just forget about. When eventually caught on Tinder or otherwise, they will say things like, “You just don’t understand…” their needs, wants and desires. That's obsession talking and you cannot argue with obsession.
The best you can hope for is that they'll come to their senses and gain control over their passions. Then it will be up to you whether or not to forgive and forget. From my point of view, the chances of a repeat performance are probable. Obsession likely caused the problem and that won't just go away without mental health counseling or treatment, which they may or may not want to experience. Truly obsessed people are rarely able to admit they have a serious problem.
Friends can do the same thing. Years ago I had a very close friend who became completely obsessed with a girl. He spent all his time with her and ignored me. Having the advantage of looking from the outside in, I knew that relationship was an accident looking for a place to happen. Nevertheless, I kept my thoughts to myself. Over time I came to realize that my friend was actually very selfish. I also knew that once the excitement of a new relationship wore off, his selfishness would kick in. Sadly, I was right. Don't get me wrong. She was a nice girl, just not the kind that would put a lot of work into a relationship, and that was something that he and his family expected her to do.
When I was a senior (12th grade) in high school I had a classmate who was always bragging about his girlfriend. He sat across from me. Every so often she would come around so that he could walk her to her next class. Actually, I think she just liked having the other girls see him carry her books or hold hands as they walked through the halls. She was extremely pretty and he was a good looking guy. I guess he liked to kiss and tell because he was always telling me how insatiable she was when it came to sex. It wasn't long before he ended up in the hospital with an STD. He wisely ended the relationship.
In those days girls like her were called “pretty poison” because they tended to go from guy to guy and sometimes spread social diseases. I never said anything to him or gossiped. That's because when I was a junior (11th grade) I made the mistake of briefly dating a sophomore (10th grade). We met in the lunchroom and she kept pursuing me until I finally agreed to date her. She was pretty, but kind of a Tomboy. She played softball and was very athletic. I hate to kiss and tell but…
Her sister was a Senior and a sex pot. Put it this way: Guys who were getting married somehow heard about her and would take her on a date just to get in one last fling before they walked down the aisle. She kept encouraging her younger sister to get with some guy who would deflower her so she could start having fun. I found out about it from Bruce, a friend of mine who had already experienced her older sister many times. Her sister told him about their plan and he told me. Luckily, I never let things go that far and no longer dated her after I found out. Six months later she was pregnant.
Obsessed or insatiable guys are no better. One day I was heading to my car in the high school parking lot when I saw a girl in a cheerleader uniform yelling at some guy and crying. He left and she just stood there for a while. I went over to see what was happening. She said that her boyfriend just broke up with her and she had no way to get home. I offered to drive her, and took her home. I found out later that her ex-boyfriend was a football player on the school team. He had a reputation for pursuing girls until he got what he wanted, then dropping them for a new challenge. I knew of at least nine girls that he had dated. His mistake was continuing that behavior after he turned eighteen. He was dating a fifteen year old when her parents filed a complaint. He was charged with statutory rape.
Allow me to make a few simple suggestions. First, if it seems too good to be true, it probably is. If you find yourself being pursued or pursuing, stop and think about the near term consequences and why it's happening. Second, if having sex becomes a marathon rather than an expression of love, beware. That kind of fire will eventually burn itself out. Third and finally, look for reasons to be involved with somebody that go beyond the physical and be sure you know the differences between affection and obsession.
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